This one was sitting in 'drafts' for quite a while... until I chanced upon a similar article from a friend of mine; realized she's published this before I did and she's gonna get all the patents and become rich and rule the earth tyranically until all humanity dies. Very soon, I also realized that I publish my own articles and I don't really have to care how similar my article is to hers. And finally, I also realized that if I don't publish soon enough, Blogger is gonna start charging me in dollars for every post I publish. 

Perplexed? Baffled? Mystified? Bamboozled? Let me clear the air a bit. So this goes back to 2008. The global aviation industry was getting poorer by the day. Just as I was hinting my chances of going to the Americas, they hit upon this novel idea of charging a fee for my checked-in baggages. At a time when my funding situation was as well known as what genitals my unborn kids are gonna have (can't I write anything straight?), and I was trying to save up whatever I could, and I was hitching on this evil plan of asking my dad for my share of the property, out of the blue comes this news - "Pay up 15 bucks for your checked-in bags" ... and I had two of them ... and I had to make a transit in Newark ... that makes it 60 bucks (quick mental calculation; 60 dollars x 50 = 3000 INR). Freakin' 3000 bucks to get MY bag into their dumb cockpit ? And would they promise me to bring it safely to Pittsburgh? No they don't! They charge you freakin' 3000 bucks and you gotta HOPE that its gonna come with you. 

Venue: Bangalore Airport (BIAL) - Grabbed onto 2 trolleys from the ocean of trolleys all around... one for my luggage, another just because I like pushing trolleys and standing on them. Reminds me of those banana carts. 

Venue: Kingfisher Airlines - grabbed onto a bottle of water given to me with a million dollar smile from a beautiful air hostess (Mallya - you rock dude!), coupled with sandwich and some delicious sweet (remember, all this for a 90-minute journey to Mumbai).

Venue: Continental Airlines (Mumbai) - phew! This plane is filled with senior citizens with uniforms... perhaps there's a contingent going to America to live their last days chanting the holy Bible. Oh! Wait a minute... they ain't pilgrims, they are air hostesses of this freakin' aircraft! Grandmoms with tongues lashing out at Asians and granddads with popping pupils spitting fire if you try to call them. Mallya's air hostesses perhaps would let me sleep on their laps if I had requested so... these may ask me anytime to step out of the plane in mid-air just because my skin ain't bleached. 

Food was out of the question... I got snacks for lunch, snacks for dinner, no on-demand food, and water, drinking water, was scaled down to a tiny cup... the same cup in which you drink coffee in a fast food restaurant. Atleast, Indian restaurants fill the coffee upto the brim such that you gotta suck the top layer up before you actually drink 'em. Here, dare ask for a second cup of water and perhaps the airlines has to shut shop!

Venue: Newark International Airport - Few trolleys arranged in a line. A tiny quarter slot above it. I try pulling the trolley with all my effort... perhaps American trolleys are very heavy because they use solid iron to build them... after all, they are bloody rich. Or are they? What the heck? 3 dollars for a trolley? Do I get to take them home with me? Or is the 3 dollars inclusive of the lady standing behind it? Quick mental calculation (3 dollars x 50 = 150 INR). 150 bucks to rent a trolley! Isn't my transition supposed to be from a third-world country (as the Americans like to believe) to a first world one? Or have I taken the wrong plane and entered Sierra Leone? Welcome to America!

Venue: Pittsburgh International Airport - 3 dollars again! RIDICULOUS! This was just the beginning. So, all those hulla-gulla about airlines cutting down on a leaf of lettuce as a cost cutting measure wasn't exaggeration after all. The fun ride begins here...

Scaife Hall cafeteria saves up on tissue paper. Initially, one tissue paper was split into two. Now, tissue papers are stacked up in such a way that you can pull only one at a time. All those bunch of free black spoons, forks and knives piled into a big basket are things of the past. Cafeterias have invested on a mechanism in which you gotta press a button, and only one spoon falls at a time. Noon conferences don't have pizzas anymore. In short, America is going bankrupt! Automobile companies are depending on Asian companies to save their asses. Its short of impossible to get a credit card OR a loan. Crime rate is on the rise again. People are holding onto their chairs to withstand the cyclone of layoffs all over. 

Looks like we'll graduate and start applying to Indian companies and pray that they take us. Reverse brain drain... wouldn't that be so amazing? Well, its not so easy, but not impossible too. When America gave to the people, it gave away more than it could sustain. And now, it holds onto everything so tightly, it even tries to deny people what rightfully belongs to them. Like this news about charging people a fee for peeing inside the plane. Perhaps this is the American way of ensuring people drink less water and ergo, profit the aviation industry, ensuring low flight costs. Perhaps I would be allowed to pee only half the quantity if I pay half the fee (to ensure even the not-so-well-off people can use their elegant facilities). I can barely fit into their toilets (for those who don't know me, I'm pretty thin) ... once I fit in, I can't even turn around, my back is stuck to the door ... and pretty much the door grazes my face when I try opening it... and they expect me to PAY for this wonderful experience. 

Are they ready to compensate me for that torturous journey across the security check where I am a hard core criminal carrying weapons of mass destruction in my teeny tiny baggage (if I kill people with my socks and underwear ... why allow them in the first place?)? Are they ready to compensate me for that uncomfortable journey wherein I can't move my legs... my neighbor is stuck to me as though we were Siamese twins... the plane drones horrendously throughout the journey? Are they ready to compensate me when they ask me to pay up for any food I order on plane... I can't reach my bag of food as its impossible to move my arms... and they don't respond when I call them? 

There are a million other things America can do to save costs! Keep that extra leaf of lettuce in the sandwich ... but STOP the DAMN war ! Give me more water to drink but remember to SWITCH OFF your lights at the end of the day. Let me pee in peace but buy more FUEL EFFICIENT cars. Save me the trouble of collecting quarters for your stupid trolleys but STOP polluting the planet. 

Meanwhile... some distance away... Ryanair (a European airline giant) is cooking up a 1.43USD fee for letting people empty their bladder in their plane to generate revenues. And thus one stupid goat follows another stupid goat... which follows the second stupid goat... which follows the third stupid goat... which follows the fourth stupid goat... which follows... 

(Also see - Post Bush Era)