04 May 2010

Social Freak!

I’m an average guy! My friends don’t think of me EVERYDAY! My cousins email me only when they have vacations. My family wouldn’t care to buzz me considering they’ll have to endure the video chat coming up every Saturday anyway! My advisor mails me once a month and my collaborator doesn’t even seem to have an ID of his own! I’m an average guy. Counting spam, looking-for-a-job-mails, the ‘n’ number of Science news updates I subscribed to when I was feeling productive and was planning to make it real BIG in my field and all the regular trash, I might get an average of 10-12 emails per day. That’s about one email every 2 hours!

And yet…

Yet, I HAVE to check my mail once every 36 seconds. I have to see my mouse pointer change to a sand-clock and then back to its original-self proclaiming that I have NO new emails … and I have to do this every 36 seconds. Why 36? No real reason… its an estimation.

This is how its with Gmail. I walk to the rest room. I run back - “Shucks! How many important messages have clogged my inbox?” I take the bus home – I’d think my laptop is screaming and teeming with new mails. I sleep for 8 hours. I wake up and run to my laptop even before I wipe my drool. I check my email … turn back to say Hi to the cute lab-tech … and immediately check my email … lest I dare miss that very important piece of information I have been waiting all my life for!

So is it with Facebook. I religiously click all the links deeply assuming that its my only source of knowledge and ignoring them meant being ignorant about the world. Everyone’s status updates scream out at me asking me to comment. I may not give a DAMN to why there’s a “:(“ depressing smiley next to your status update, more so because I hardly know you but added you only to add to my ever-growing friends list, but I have to add my comment and show my loyalty. I know your status message is a rip off straight out of Bernard Shaw’s home page just for attracting compliments, but I HAVE to click on the ‘like’ button although I don’t even remotely like you for that matter!

So is it with Google. You can Google anything. Including yourself; I trust Google to tell me more about myself than I really know of. I Google for temperature, time and location. I Google for formulae, protocols and recipes. I Google for shaving pimples and tooth aches and body posture. As you talk about a movie I have unheard of, I can Google about it and CONVINCE you that I’m cool and I know everything there is to be known about that movie, about the other movies of the same director, and the sequels and prequels of the movie that exist or yet to be released. I can do this as you talk to me with the click of a few buttons.

Sadly, I’m another of those Internet Syndrome victims! I’ve checked my mail thrice already from the time I have started writing this piece. And it has hardly been more than 5 mins. I also sadly discovered that there are no more status updates I can ‘like’ on Facebook as I have liked all of them already ;( And the darned Google home page never crashes … for some weird reason!

I know I need rehab. The healing process has begun. I have done blasphemous things like shutting down my laptop during the nights. I have closed Outlook Express each time I was done using the system. I have restricted my logging onto Facebook – thrice is all I get during my work-hours. I have borrowed huge library books and downloaded lots of papers … Google can enslave me NO MORE!

Darn! Why haven’t I got any E-MAIL from the past 8 minutes???


Scene: Bheem enters the forests near Ekachakra with a cart of food in search of Bakasur, the demon! Bheem calls out to Bakasur in a resonating voice - “heY Bakaa! I’m not getting signal here; AT&T really sucks! Can you hear me? Come out and eat your food!

Bakasur: heY you! What took you so long? Don’t you realize I’m starving? I’m surviving the whole of morning with just one glass of orange juice!

Bheem: Sorry dude! Traffic da! Ekachakra turnpike is jammed at this hour. I had to take SO many detours. Don’t even talk about it. Why can’t you get an apartment somewhere close to the suburbs?

Bakasur: Too expensive man! And hey! How DARE you call me by my first name? The villagers of Ekachakra are such ‘darpoks’ that they even fear coming close to the forest.

Bheem: Ok! What’s your surname then?

Bakasur: I don’t have one! Do you think that’ll become a problem during visa? I got an admit from Pitt dental school ;)

Bheem: I guess so. Awright! Eat quickly; I have to get back. I’m watching this new movie - “How to train your Dragon” 3D today evening

Bakasur: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha ! You ain’t goin’ nowhere. Hey Bheem, why do villains always have an African-American accent? Why can’t they speak plain American or Brit?

Bheem: If you keep going to Wendy’s all the time. you’ll obviously get influenced right? Anyway, I present the menu to you sir:

  • Chicken breasts from overfed chicken
  • A can of rBST milk
  • Beef from cattle feeding ONLY on corn
  • Diet Coke with corn syrup
  • Peanut butter sandwich with traces of Salmonella
  • A can of Fiji mineral water whose potability is inferior to the normal tap water
  • Pork from hormone-treated pig
  • Apples injected with grape flavor
  • Bagels and I-can’t-believe-its-not-butter

Bakasur: WTF ?

Bheem: Why? What’s wrong? Haven’t you watched Food Inc.? Smithfield, Perdue, Monsanto, Tyson – these are the dominant food giants. That’s where all this came from

Bakasur: Don’t you have anything organic?

Bheem: LMAO! Organic? Who are you? Some queer from the 1920s? Who grows organic these days? The corn syrup you find in batteries is the same corn syrup you find in Pepsi!

Bakasur: Don’t you have any home-grown food then?

Bheem: Did I not tell you? That soya bean you grow in your backyard – be careful … its a sure invitation to a legal battle. Monsanto has investigators!

Bakasur: Did I not tell you? The world shudders at the mere mention of my name. Lightning and thunder rumbles the earth at every step I take. The faint-hearted wither away at the sight of me. I am terror. I am vicious. I am … BAKASUR!

(waves dash against the rocks; lightning strikes a tree; mild tremors occur; Eyjafjallajokull erupts again!)

Bheem: ROTFL! Narakasur said the same things. He grew soya bean in his backyard. Then he was booked for patent infringement. Unable to bear the legal costs, he had an out-of-court settlement with the giant for 25,000 USD!

Bakasur: Whaaaaat? Oh no!

Bheem: So you eatin’ or what?

Bakasur: Of course… Bakasur NEVER goes hungry. I shall eat you Bheem. You are organic. You are my lunch today!

Bheem: Lololol! You really crack me up dude. Don’t you watch the daily news?

Bakasur: No basic cable ;(

Bheem: Verizon?

Bakasur: Yeah. Its not really bad; family guy buffers most of the times. But its ok-ok

Bheem: Oh yeah… coming to the point. I am HIV positive. Thanks to Draupadi and her multiple sex partners !

Bakasur: Darn it! I thought you were gay

Bheem: I’m as gay as Krishna… if you know what I mean!

Bakasur: Isn’t Nakul and Sahadev…

Bheem: Totally gay. Gayishly gay!

Bakasur: Hmmph! So am I gonna starve for the rest of my life?

Bheem: No! Listen to me carefully…

  • Eat Organic Food
  • Chuck Giant Eagle & Wal-mart! Go to Whole Foods
  • Visit farmer’s markets. There’s one in strip district. Vegetables are dead-cheap
  • Buy non-rBST milk
  • Try to cook at home. Don’t be a lazy ass
  • Stay away from junk. Don’t even venture anywhere close to those vending machines in school
  • Eat healthy
  • Change the world with every bite!

Bakasur: Thanks da! I really owe you one. We should hang out sometime…

Bheem: You can come to the movie tonight. But you must promise to behave!

Bakasur: You won’t regret this! Let us do the GO!